Frustration

I feel so horribly, regretfully stupid.

And, because I'm a walking cliche, it's about a boy. He's a bit of a flirt, which I am not. What can I say? I fell for his ease of mannner, for his every present smile, for the occassional hand on my shoulder. I felt this desperate need to touch him, to be touched. I let myself pretend that I could somehow seduce him (what a joke..), make him want me. As I fell asleep, I had visions of romance, feeding myself with delusions of a perfect life that could one day be mine.

I went to a party last night. The flirtation was gone. Or at least, shifted to another. There's always the logic, well you can be friends first...

I don't want another friend. I have enough fucking friends. I want someone who wants to fuck me. I want someone who wants me as something more than someone to talk to. I want someone who can't wait to see me because the attraction has been bubbling all day.

I left with my pride, merely dying a little inside on the walk home. And I wasn't even particularly self-destructive upon arriving home. I must be getting more grown-up.






If I'm not wanted by them, at least I can make myself someone that I can stand to live with.