It's kind of funny, it's kind of sad.

"I'm here for you"
"Are you sure you're okay?"

People want to be there; I get that. But I also feel that if I were ever to tell the people that I am closest with what I'm actually thinking, they would freak out. Why do I really not want a relationship? The reason I give them: I'm too busy and relationships take time. The real reason: I could never trust a guy in a relationship to stay with me because I couldn't believe that they would ever want to be with me. I would never be able to comprehend what someone could see in me that would make them want to stay more than a night.

How could someone ever look at me the same knowing that at my core, I'm so deeply broken? Eventually they would give up, knowing that they can't fix this. So, sure, you're here for me, and i'm not okay, but you will never know how bad.

Don't.

Trying to convince myself not to throw up. It's getting harder and harder, but the fact that I have three roommates who could barge into the bathroom at any moment is working against the food that is wants to leave my body desperately. This is why I hate communal living sometimes, among many other reasons - I wouldn't have to feel so ill if I had my own place, wouldn't have to worry about being found out. I can't even really focus on this paper (which I need to write), ironically about the Inferno - how much of what I'm doing is a sin? Not that I really believe in the whole heaven / hell ideology, but I do believe in living as moral of a life as possible simply because that's what's we're supposed to do. But enough of those shenanigans.

Quite tired from work, and still have loads of work to do. I have friends visiting from my work this summer later in the week (actually one gets in tomorrow, yikes), so I really won't have time to do work any time other than tonight. A scary idea indeed. I hope that I'm what they remember me to be, and that they enjoy themselves. I feel like a lot has changed with me, I've definitely ebbed and flowed with my depression as of late, so I hope that I'm somewhat what they expect. With the world that we occupy, I might just see them again, I would hate to leave either of them with a bad taste in their mouths.

I think I'm going to see a psychiatrist again. I don't want to come home at night and have to cry before going to bed. I don't want to feel so bad about myself that emotional pain becomes physical. And I certainly don't want to talk about this with anyone of my friends; heaven forbid that I appear anything besides what I'm supposed to be. Sure, we all can have "bad nights," but that's just from a bad reaction to tequila or some other bullshit. By the time we're 21, we're supposed to have all of our issues figured out, or at least kept to ourselves I feel. Regardless, I'm not handling myself well, and I don't know why I can't deal anymore. I just want something to make me feel normal again.