Don't.

Trying to convince myself not to throw up. It's getting harder and harder, but the fact that I have three roommates who could barge into the bathroom at any moment is working against the food that is wants to leave my body desperately. This is why I hate communal living sometimes, among many other reasons - I wouldn't have to feel so ill if I had my own place, wouldn't have to worry about being found out. I can't even really focus on this paper (which I need to write), ironically about the Inferno - how much of what I'm doing is a sin? Not that I really believe in the whole heaven / hell ideology, but I do believe in living as moral of a life as possible simply because that's what's we're supposed to do. But enough of those shenanigans.

Quite tired from work, and still have loads of work to do. I have friends visiting from my work this summer later in the week (actually one gets in tomorrow, yikes), so I really won't have time to do work any time other than tonight. A scary idea indeed. I hope that I'm what they remember me to be, and that they enjoy themselves. I feel like a lot has changed with me, I've definitely ebbed and flowed with my depression as of late, so I hope that I'm somewhat what they expect. With the world that we occupy, I might just see them again, I would hate to leave either of them with a bad taste in their mouths.

I think I'm going to see a psychiatrist again. I don't want to come home at night and have to cry before going to bed. I don't want to feel so bad about myself that emotional pain becomes physical. And I certainly don't want to talk about this with anyone of my friends; heaven forbid that I appear anything besides what I'm supposed to be. Sure, we all can have "bad nights," but that's just from a bad reaction to tequila or some other bullshit. By the time we're 21, we're supposed to have all of our issues figured out, or at least kept to ourselves I feel. Regardless, I'm not handling myself well, and I don't know why I can't deal anymore. I just want something to make me feel normal again.